‘America! You can’t even choose a president without ending up in court… now’s the time for you to come back home to Britain’

BBC記者惡搞:“美國,不上法庭你們連個總統都選不出來……現在是你們回歸英國的時候了”


Britain's Queen Elizabeth near Salisbury, Britain October 15, 2020 ? Reuters /Ben Stansall/Pool

2020年10月15日,英國索爾茲伯里,英國女王伊麗莎白

By Charlie Stone, author and journalist who has worked for the BBC, several national newspapers in the UK and international media.

作者Charlie Stone,作家兼記者,曾為英國廣播公司(BBC)、英國多家全國性報紙和國際媒體工作。


America! You've been very, very naughty boys and girls. Throwing all that tea into the harbour at Boston… that wasn’t very civil of you, was it? It just wasn’t cricket. You didn’t even bring any cream and sugar.

美國!你們一直都是非常非常淘氣的男孩女孩。把所有的茶葉都扔到波士頓的港口……你真不禮貌,是嗎?這不是板球。你連奶油和糖都沒帶。

Then, by golly, you just declared your independence and walked away. I mean, really, how very impolite.

然后,天哪,你剛剛宣布獨立并離開了。我是說,真的,太不禮貌了。

But we – the royal ‘we’ that is – forgive you. That was almost 250 years ago now. Let bygones be bygones. Why don’t you come home to Britain? Come back to the Motherland!

但是我們——皇家的“我們”——原諒你。那幾乎是250年前的事了,既往不咎。你為什么不回英國?回到祖國來!

No? Well, just look at the mess you’ve got yourselves into on your own, hmmm? You can’t even count. That’s what your orange-faced president says, anyway, and half of you seem to believe every word he says.

不?好吧,看看你自己陷入的困境,嗯?你們連數都不會數,不管怎樣,你們橘臉總統就是這么說的,你們中的一半人似乎都相信他說的每一句話。


Was this really the best you could do?

這真的是你能做的最好的事嗎?


And the other half?

那么另一半人呢?

You chose an old chap called Joe who can barely remember his own name, the perfect American to step into the ring and take Mr Trump on in a fist fight. No matter that you need to spin him around to make sure he’s facing the right direction.

你選擇了一個叫喬(拜登)的老家伙,他幾乎連自己的名字都記不起來了,是一個最完美的美國人,可以走進拳擊場,與特朗普一決高下。不管你需要讓他轉過身來確保他面對的是正確的方向。


And this Trump character, the one in the red corner, the chap who just cannot stop tweeting, even when it’s in his own best interest to do so… is he the world's first-ever 74-year-old teenager?

而這個王牌角色,站在紅色角落的這個,就是這個不停地發推特的家伙,即使這樣做只對他自己最有利……他是世界上第一個74歲的青少年嗎?


Well, jolly good. He'll be perfectly comfortable, there, because your congress seems to be like a retirement home. Many of your politicians have actually been around long enough to remember the Declaration of Independence, and that was in 1776.

嗯,很好。他會很舒服的,因為你們的國會就像一個養老院。你們的許多政治家實際上已經有足夠長的時間來記住《獨立宣言》,那是在1776年。

I’m told your Republican leader of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, is 78. And the Democrat leader of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is 80. Yet you all just voted them in again. And some of the other people you voted for on Tuesday? They won’t leave office until they’re over 90. Remarkable.

我聽說你的參議院共和黨領袖米奇·麥康奈爾已經78歲了。眾議院民主黨領袖南?!づ迓逦鹘衲?0歲。但你們又投了他們一票,星期二投票的其它候選人呢?他們90多歲才離任。了不起。

You wonder why it’s so hard to bring about change in Washington? Have you ever tried to change your grandpa or grandma’s mind over anything? They're just stuck in their ways. And I should know. I’m 94, after all.

你們想知道為什么在華盛頓進行變革如此艱難嗎?你有沒有試過改變你爺爺奶奶的主意?他們只是固步自封。我應該知道,畢竟我已經94歲了。



But you can't change anything because the system won’t let you. It’s all written down on a piece of paper called ‘the Constitution’, and I’m told it’s actually easier to rewrite the Bible than the Constitution.

但是你不能改變任何事情,因為體制不允許你這么做。這一切都寫在一張名為《憲法》的紙上,有人告訴我,重寫圣經比重寫憲法更容易。

So, America, I have a simple message for you. Cancel the court case, rip up your Constitution, stop this silliness and just come home. If one was your Queen, one would sit Donald and Joe down in Buckingham Palace and have one's butler pour us all a nice cup of tea.

所以,美國,我有一個簡單的信息要告訴你們。取消法庭訴訟,撕毀你的憲法,停止這種愚蠢的行為,回家吧。如果有人是你們的女王,她會讓唐納德和喬在白金漢宮坐下來,讓她的管家給我們倒上一杯好茶。

What a lovely chat we could have. “Joe! Hey Joe! Over here. This way! The Queen, yes. Liz. The woman with the shiny crown on her head. And no Donald, I know you like everything to be painted gold, but you can't be King. Can you just be quiet for a moment please, dear? One can't hear oneself think…”

我們本可以好好聊聊的,“喬!嗨,喬!在這里。這種方式!女王,是的,伊麗莎白,頭上戴著閃亮皇冠的女人。不,唐納德,我知道你喜歡把一切都涂成金色,但你不能成為國王。親愛的,你們能安靜一會兒嗎?不要吵鬧。


To tell you the truth, it’s been difficult to feel superior since Brexit, and especially since Boris took the helm. But let's not talk about him, not yet. Our next general election is 2024, the same year as yours. That should be fun. Anyway, before you return, we must really talk about your language.

說實話,自英國脫歐以來,尤其是鮑里斯掌舵以來,人們很難感覺自己優越。但我們先別說他,現在還不行。我們下一次大選是2024年,與你們的大選同年。那應該很有趣。不管怎樣,在你回歸之前,我們得好好談談你的語言。

It’s the English language. Yes, English. Why do you have such an issue with the letter ‘u’? It’s colour not color, flavour not flavor. One goes on holiday not vacation, and it’s football not soccer – the foot, you see, it's used to kick the ball. Your game of football mostly involves the hands. Just saying.

說說英語,是的,英語。你為什么對字母“u”有這樣的問題?colour不是color(顏色),flavour不是flavor(味道)。一個人去holiday而不是vacation(度假),那是football而不是soccer(足球)——你看,腳是用來踢足球的。你的足球(橄欖球)比賽主要是用手。只是說說而已。

Pass the sugar, please, Boris.

請把糖遞給我,鮑里斯(約翰遜)。